I have always had strong opinions about what I felt was right or wrong for me in any given situation, however I still felt I was open minded enough to not judge others for living their lives according to what was right or wrong for them. Here I was without any clear opinion of what in this lifestyle worked for me and what didn’t and I found I was becoming hyper judgemental. I knew I was no better or worse than anyone else, so where was this coming from? It was probably a defence mechanism to some degree, a way for me to distance myself and evaluate what was going on. I had also learnt that despite the assumption that those within this lifestyle we’re opened minded, consenting, free thinking adults, a large number, judged a girl on her on whether she identified as a sub or a slave and once that was established, people would debate that she was too this or that to be sub or slave. It was all very confusing and made me more than a little defensive. This may explain why some girls come across as a total bitch, because she is so tired of having to define herself for everyone; Dom and sub alike.
As open minded as I wanted to be, I observed some around me that were so open minded I think maybe their brains fell out. I met girls who would allow a Dom do whatever he wished, and when they were done with the girl, who never once objected during the scene, she bad mouths the Dom to the whole community; labelling him dangerous. When asked what she did to stop the scene she says she wanted to be a good submissive. WTF!?!, so then you wanted to be a good girl, but upon further reflection, you realise that you don’t like what went down, and though he did not lie to you, mislead you, or maybe he did, you take no responsibility and now you don’t care about being a good submissive and want to discredit this person!?! I saw a lot of this going on and being someone who may like heated, intelligent debates and discussions, but also a girl who shies away from conflict and anger I would try and keep my distance from all parties involved in such circumstances, whether they were the victim or the instigator. Every once in awhile I would befriend someone and all of a sudden I would find myself in the middle of a war zone, in a battle that I had no desire to be in, having to pick sides, when I often felt that neither party was right. OMG, so much drama, although some may consider me royalty, I’m more a princess than a drama queen. Who knows maybe I was just a royal pain in the ass.
Everyone had their own opinions and what made a good Dom or sub, how a scene should take place, what made a good or bad toy. As a "newbie" on the scene, I had many offers of training, mentorship, protection, however, those making such offers could seldom tell me what would be accomplished by training, how I would be better from their mentorship or what I needed to be protected from. I did have the desire to experience some "play" even if I didn't feel trusting, or vulnerable enough to fully submit to a casual play partner. I wanted that deep connection that people spoke about, but I seldom saw. It was the paradox I saw of people speaking of how much deeper being collared was than being married, yet I knew financially a man needed to commit more to a diamond than a piece of leather and if that piece of leather meant so much, why were people putting on and taking off collars like they were changing their underwear. Don't get me wrong I have met some amazing people who do have that connection, their collar truly symbolises a very deep and genuine connection, it was rare to see and it was seldom spoken about. So many in this lifestyle were mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually damaged, and unhealthy. I don't say this in judgement it was simply what I was observing. A large majority of submissive women are overweight, many of those who opened up to me had experienced childhood sexual abuse, as grown women some had been raped. Some shared that they suffered from depression, were dealing with other mental health issues and others struggled with addictions. Although some were highly educated and had powerful jobs,most lived a blue collar life, with a mid to lower income. The Doms I was attracting often didn't drive, because they couldn't afford a car or had lost their license due to a DUI. I noticed I was being pulled down with others, there are always exceptions and although I fell into some of my own stereotypes; over time I came to realise that everyone had a choice with how they conduct their life and how they fit BDSM into their lifestyle.
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