When I was a young girl, I was always very well behaved. I did as I was told, I respected authority and avoided those who could get me into trouble. In junior high I didn't go out the back door of the school because that's where the "bad" kids hung out smoking. I later learnt from my best male friend that some of the boys called me a big boobed tighty. That would change.
I entered high school and I found myself hanging out with the "bad kids", smoking and do all kinds of things that was completely out of character for me. I was starting to challenge some of my thoughts, started expanding my mind and discovering who I was, or so I thought. I was attracting the attention of some "bad boys" and I liked how I felt around them. I loved their "could give a shit" attitude, I liked that they took charge, they didn't care what others thought and I felt safe with them, nobody fucked with me when I was hanging out in this crowd, with these boys. My taste for bad boys followed me out of high school and I started to see Danny.
Danny lived with some buddies in a sparsely furnished apartment, which was a party place and crash pad for anyone and everyone. Girl's would come and go and depending on who they were with and how long they had been in the picture dictated how well they were treated. It amazed me how these girls would let these guys treat them like crap and still they stuck around. I wasn't going anywhere and I was Danny's girl, so I was the shit. If I needed something from the store, one of the boys would go and get it for me. If I needed the phone, who ever was using it got off, if I didn't like a girl at the apartment, she had to go, unless she was a sure thing for one of the guys then in that case, I had to put up with her, but I didn't have to be nice to her. Whatever I wanted I got all because I was Danny's girl and it was Danny who dictated how I was treated.
I loved the power he had, it turned me on. Every once in awhile he would exert his power over me to let the guys know he wasn't pussy whipped and I suppose also to keep me in my place. For example; we would be sitting around playing cards and Danny would look at me, get a cocky smile across his face and say, I think I need to fuck you after this hand. I would blush, mortified that he announced his intentions to everyone to hear, but also by his choice of words. I would protest and say, "You fuck a hooker, but you make love to your girlfriend" He would laugh and say he wasn't going to argue over details as everyone else at the table would laugh along with him. His lack of tact and discretion, somehow turned me on. I liked being put on display. In many ways I wasn't so different from the other girls who would come to the apartment. I knew I would gladly spread my legs for him, but still I was trying to somehow hold onto my good girl image.
One word Danny loved was the "C" word. I hated it. He would chase me around his place saying it. I would lock myself in the bathroom and he would slip notes under the door with that one simple word on it. We could be dancing in the kitchen while making dinner and he would whisper the word in my ear, his embrace too tight upon me to escape his grasp. We would wrestle like UFC fighters, no holds barred. All I needed to do was say the word and it would be over, but I was stubborn and I loved being flipped and man handled, I also liked fighting back. No matter how hard I would fight, he would always get me pinned and the only way for my release was to say the "C" word. Oh I hated it, absolutely despised the word, yet I so loved wrestling. Looking back now maybe I enjoyed being "forced" to do something.
I had been so wrapped up in portraying myself as a good girl that I didn't tell anyone I was dating Danny. He would encourage me to go out with my friends and I would go on my own, but when he would offer to take me out where ever they were, I would suggest doing something else. He knew I didn't want him around my friends, but he didn't know why and it would piss him off. They knew who Danny was, but when I tried to bring him up they would tell me to stay away from him, he was bad news. It was ok for my friends to date messed up guys, but for some reason, they held me to a different standard, they felt I was naive and needed protecting, so I never told them I was with Danny.
I still went out with my friends, enough to get to know most of the staff at the Asian owned, night club they were frequenting. Some of the group had gotten jobs at the club waitressing and bouncing. Over time, I got to know one of the owners very well. Jay enjoyed gambling and would often take me to the casino with him; as his lady luck he would say. The deal was I would stand by Jay while he gambled, maybe help him place some of his chips, he would buy me drinks, I would get 50% of his profits if he won, if he lost it cost me nothing, and then, when the night club would just be getting busy he would take me back to party with my friends and that is exactly what happened. I never gambled and most nights I was leaving the casino with more money in my purse than I started with. It seemed harmless enough, so when my friends would warn me to be careful I didn't know what I needed to be careful of, besides I had Danny. At first Danny thought it was funny, but the more it happened the less he liked me going there at all.
Danny and I had always had an understanding; he would go out with his friends, I would go out with mine and we would hook up at his place when the night was over. There were even times when Jay would drive me to Danny's apartment, after the club was shut down, because he lived close by. Then Danny started showing up at the club, before he headed out with his friends, I'm not sure if he was checking up on me or letting Jay know that he was around, but he would walk into the place, give everyone attitude, call Jay out and leave pissed off. My friends grew to dislike him even more and though he would make Jay angry, Jay never treated me any differently.
I was working in retail at the local shopping mall, but I never questioned where the Danny and his friends got their money, how they paid their bills, or how Danny was able to give me jewelry and take me out, when none of them worked. I worried about it at times, but they seemed invicable to me. Incinciable; until one day we arrived at the apartment and nobody was there to buzz us in. Danny didn't have a key to his own apartment because there was always someone there. It was freezing outside and we had no place to go, so he climbed 3 stories of balconies and went in through the unlocked patio door. When he came down to let me in, I could tell something wasn't right. Back in the apartment, we read the note on the table. The note was not addressed to anyone, but rather everyone. Something about the police being by, that the place was attracting too much heat and nobody should stay there. Everyone was to lie low, nobody was to try and contact each other until it was safe to come out of hiding. I didn't know what they were dealing with, but I now understood why the place was so sparely furnished, they had to be able to walk away and leave everything behind, and that's what they did.
If I hadn't of been with Danny that night, he would be gone too, where I didn't know, but I couldn't go with him. I still lived at home, and I could go home, I should go, he needed to leave the apartment, but he insisted on us having that night, so I stayed. We were both too paranoid and jumpy to relax and enjoy our time together. The phone rang off the hook, but he wouldn't answer it. He would say "Could be the cops outside the door waiting on us to answer the phone before breaking the door down". All the lights had to stay off, not to attract the attention of any police that maybe monitoring the place from outside. I wasn't scared for me, I hadn't done anything wrong, but I was scared for him, I didn't know what he had done and it wasn't the time to ask. So we held each other, cried and fell into a restless sleep. The next morning, he took me home and kissed me goodbye. That was the last time I saw him before he was arrested.
My world had been turned upside down. I was a messed up girl, pretending to be good, with my boyfriend in jail for who knows what with no friends to talk to about what I was feeling or going through. So I stuffed everything, deep down inside of me, put a smile on my face and carried on like nothing happened.
In some ways life became easier without Danny around. I didn't have worry about sneaking around behind my friend's backs. I no longer had to explain why I wasn't going out with them or answer questions on where I was going and who I was with and God forbid I told my mom I was with one of them and then they called my place looking for me while I was with him. All that drama was over. I realise now I created much of that trying to please everyone, and acting as I was expected to, rather than standing up and saying this is the way it is; deal with it. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. In the process I would at times ditch and lie to my friends to be with Danny and vise versa.
By this time, most of my friends assumed I was sleeping with Jay because he gave me way too much, in their opinions. Free drinks, free money, free clothes, ect. I wasn't sleeping with Jay, but one night after the club was closed, I found myself in the ladies bathroom. It was time for me to pay for all those free things. I had drank way too many Seagram's Wild Berry coolers, I didn't know what time it was, or where my friends were, I was leaning over the sink, puking up the purple coolers, when he came in. I yelled at him to get out and to get one of my friends, I needed someone to hold my hair back. He started to kiss my my neck, and told me that my friends had gone home, everyone had gone home. I started to cry and told him to leave me alone. I continued to puke as he reached around me and undid my pants, as I was telling him to stop he was saying "Come on baby, just two minutes, let me make love to you" You know how much I want you. Danny is in jail now you can be with me now" I had used him, and now he was going to use me. I must of been sexy with puke dripping down my chin as he had his way with me. He was right he was done in two minutes and in that time I knew I was a different person. He drove me home, I don't recall thinking about anything on that long ride home. He tried to kiss me goodnight before I got out of the car.
This pic speaks loudly to me.
Danny used the word "Fuck" and Jay had used the words "make love", how fucked was that!?! I think I would rather fuck than make love. The power of words and the seeds they planted became very evident to me that the days following that night. The thing that was the most fucked up about all of this is that I continued to let Jay use me after that and for more than a year. For the life of me I don't know why!?!
I knew this would not of happened if Danny had not been in jail. I also knew it would not of happened if I had not accepted all those "free" things. I felt guilty and stupid. When Danny would call I never found the words to tell him what had happened and when I would write the words never made it to the page. I just stuffed it deep inside of me. A letter came in the mail one day from Danny, in addition to the letter was a piece of paper that had been folded, and folded and folded on the outside of the paper was "The word of the day is" once unfolded the entire page was covered in the word Cunt. It still is a harsh word, but I can handle that harshness now. Danny was going to be locked up for a couple of years, and though I continued to accept his calls and letters, he was behind bars and I wasn't.
Words are powerful. They can invoke great desire, or wretched disgust. Words left unspoken can also speak very loudly. I won't give up any more than I already have to jay, by eliminating "make love" from my vocabulary, but when I hear those two words together I will most likely think of him, and when I hear the word "Cunt" I remember Danny fondly. He ended up straightening out his life, and he is now married with children. As for Jay, I have no idea what happened to him. His club shut down, and the building has been converted to lofts, when I drive by it I think of him, not so fondly, but without hate. I think I have forgiven him, but more importantly I have forgiven myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment