Exploring the world of BDSM

As I mentioned in my first blog, I was in college when I discovered the amazing world of the Internet, before that I had never been very interested in sitting in front of a computer.  In my mind a computer meant work, and in any job I have had, I worked hard enough while at work that I was not going to do more work at home.  Of course I needed a computer for my studies in college, but at the same time I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, so I would often find myself in front of my pc needing to work on a school project or essay, and instead I would end up surfing the web.  There was actually some pretty cool stuff online, such as pics of girls tied up and gagged and put into all kinds of precarious situations, it is probably through the seeking of such pics that I learnt the term BDSM or S & M, technically I didn't care what it was called I just knew it made me wet and deep with in me it spoke to the nagging hunger I often had after having sex.  Now the question was how to satisfy this hunger.  I always had a difficult time expressing my dirty desires, so one day I went out on a limb with my boyfriend at the time.   Once I mustered up the courage I expressed the desire to dress up as a naughty school girl and have him spank me and tie me up.   A look of utter disgust came across his face and I was mortified, but in all fairness being that he was a high school teacher, this crossed a line with him.  So the school girl outfit was out, no problem, he could still tie me up.  We didn't have any special rope or cuffs, so we used pairs of pantyhose and stockings I had.  So I'm laying on my back in the middle of the bed, naked and spread eagle, my arms stretched above me head.  I struggle against my restraints and find that they are way too loose; he says he doesn't want to tighten them for fear of hurting me.  In my head I scream, but I want you to hurt me, (ok not alot, but make me feel some discomfort, make it so the restraints really restrain me) and he says to me, he is isn't quite sure what to do with me now.   My God I think to myself can this get anymore humiliating.  I slip my hands and feet out of the hosiery that is tied to the head board and foot board and start to cry; I am so embarrassed. He strokes my hair and tries to comfort me by saying that he doesn't want to do anything against my will and he doesn't want to hurt me.  We never talk about it again.  I openly continued searching  for anything online related to BDSM and I discovered msn and yahoo chatrooms.  I end up chatting with real live people, some of them right here in my city.  I quickly discover that some of these people have made this their everyday lifestyle, others dabble in it here and there and many more just were just role playing online.  Like Alice in Wonderland, it was a strange world I found myself in and I wasn't really sure what and who was real and what and who was make believe.  Would I ever find my happily ever after in this world or should I turn my back and run as fast I could?