I mentioned in my previous post that I was learning to understand how the object of one's desire could also be the object of one's fear or distain. I believe words can have the same effect. Let me explain.
When I was a young girl, I was always very well behaved. I did as I was told, I respected authority and avoided those who could get me into trouble. In junior high I didn't go out the back door because that's where the "bad" kids hung out smoking. I later learnt from my best male friend that some of the boys called me a big boobed tighty. That would change.
I entered high school and I found myself hanging out with the "bad kids", smoking and do all kinds of things that was completely out of character for me. I was starting to challenge some of my thoughts, started expanding my mind and discovering who I was, or so I thought. I was attracting the attention of some "bad boys" I liked how I felt around them. I loved their "could give a fuck" attitude, I liked that they took charge, they didn't care what others thought and I felt safe with them, nobody fucked with me when I was hanging out in this crowd. My taste for bad boys followed me out of high school and I started to see Danny.
Danny lived with some buddies in a sparsly furnished apartment, which was a party place and crash pad for anyone and everyone. Girl's would come and go and depending on who they were with and how long they had been in the picture dictated how well they were treated. It amazed me how these girls would let these guys treat them and still they stuck around. I wasn't going anywhere and I was Danny's girl, so I was the shit. If I needed something from the store, one of the boys would go and get it for me. If I needed the phone, who ever was using it got off, if I didn't like a girl at the apartment, she had to go, unless she was a sure thing for one of the guys then in that case, I had to put up with her, but I didn't have to be nice to her. Whatever I wanted I got all because I was Danny's girl and it was Danny who dictated how I was treated.
I loved the power he had, it turned me on. Every once in awhile he would exsert his power over me to let the guys know he wasn't pussy whipped and I suppose also to keep me in my place. For example; we would be sitting around playing cards and Danny would look at me, get a cocky smile across his face and say, I think I need to fuck you after this hand. I would blush, mortified that he announced his intentions to everyone to hear, but also by his choice of words. I would protest and say, "You fuck a hooker, but you make love to your girlfriend" He would laugh and say he wasn't going to argue over details as everyone else at the table would laugh along with him. His lack of tact and discretion, somehow turned me on as well, I liked being put on display. In many ways I wasn't so different from the other girls who would come to the apartment. I knew I would gladly spread my legs for him, but still I was trying to somehow hold onto my good girl image.
One word Danny loved was the "C" word. I hated it. He would chase me around his place saying it. I would lock myself in the bathroom and he would slip notes under the door with that one simple word on it. We could be dancing in the kitchen while making dinner and he would whisper the word in my ear, his embrace too tight upon me to escape his grasp. We would wrestle like UFC fighters, no holds barred. All I needed to do was say the word and it would be over, but I was stubborn and I loved being flipped and man handled, I also liked fighting back. No matter how hard I would fight, he would always get me pinned and the only way for my release was to say the "C" word. Oh I hated it, absolutely despised the word, yet I so loved wrestling. Looking back now maybe I enjoyed being "forced" to do something.
I had been so wrapped up in portraying myself as a good girl that I didn't tell anyone I was dating Danny. He would encourage me to go out with my friends and I would go on my own, but when he would offer to take me out where ever they were, I would suggest doing something else. He knew I didn't want him around my friends, but he didn't know why and it would piss him off. They knew who Danny was, but when I tried to bring him up they would tell me to stay away from him, he was bad news. It was ok for my friends to date messed up guys, but for some reason, they held me to a different standard, they felt I was naive and needed protecting, so I never told them I was with Danny.
I still went out with my friends, enough to get to know most of the staff at the asian owned, night club they were fequenting. Some of the group had gotten jobs at the club waitressing and bouncing. Over time, I got to know one of the owners very well. Jay enjoyed gambling and would often take me to the casino with him; as his lady luck he would say. My friends would warn me not to go, but it seemed harmless enough. The deal was I would stand by Jay while he gambled, he would buy me drinks, I would get 50% of his profits if he won, if he lost it cost me nothing, and then when the night club would just be getting busy he would take me back to party with my friends and that is exactly what happened. No harm, no fowl. So when my friends kept warn me to be careful I didn't know what I needed to be careful of, besides I had Danny. At first Danny thought it was funny, but the more it happened the less he liked me going there at all, but he never took a hard stand on it. In the beginning we had an understanding; he would go out with his friends, I would go out with mine and we would hook up at his place when the night was over. Being that Jay lived close to Danny's apartment he would often drive me there after the club was shut down. There would be times we would leave the casino and I would have hundreds of dollars in my purse.
I worked in a retail shop at the local shopping mall, but I never questioned where Danny and his friends got their money, how they paid their bills, or how Danny was able to give me jewlery and take me out, when none of them worked. I worried about it at times, but they seemed invicable to me. Invinciable; until one day we arrived at the apartment and nobody was there to buzz us in. Danny didn't have a key to his own apartment because there was always someone there. It was freezing outside and we had no place to go, so he climbed 3 stories of balconies and went in through the unlocked patio door. He came down and let me in. I could tell something wasn't right. Back in the apartment, we read the note on the table. Something about the police being by, that the place was attracting too much heat and nobody should stay there. Everyone was to lie low, not try and contact each other until it was safe to come out of hiding. I didn't know what were were dealing with, but I now understood why the place was so sparsly furnished, they had to be able to walk away and leave everything behind, and that's what they did.
If I hadn't of been with Danny that night, he would be gone too. I still lived at home, and I could go, I should go, he needed to leave the apartment, but he insisted on us having that night. He was paranoid and jumpy and could hardly relax enough to enjoy what I knew would be our last night together. The phone rang off the hook, but he wouldn't answer it. He would say "Could be the cops outside the door waiting on us to answer the phone before breaking the door down". All the lights had to stay off, not to attract the attention of any police that maybe monitoring the place from outside. I wasn't scared for me, I hadn't done anything wrong, but I was scared for him, I didn't know what he had done and then wasn't the time to ask. So we held each other, cried and fell into a restless sleep. The next morning, he took me home and kissed me goodbye. That was the last time I saw him before he was arrested.
My world had been turned upside down. I knew my mom wouldn't approve so there was no point in telling her about him. So here I was a messed up girl, pretending to be good, with my boyfriend in jail for all kinds of shit and I with no friends to talk to about what I was feeling or going through. So I stuffed everything deep down inside of me, put a smile on my face and carried on like nothing happened.
With Danny now in jail I didn't need to sneak around behind my friend's backs. Hiding the fact that I was dating him. I no longer had to explain why I wasn't going out with them or answer questions on where I was going and who I was with and God forbid I told my mom I was with one of them and then they called my place looking for me while I was with him. All that drama was over.
But the drama was going to take a twist. Because of my mom's position within the justice system I couldn't put my name on a visitors list and go and visit Danny in jail, so for the next 2 years the only time I would see him is when he would appear in court. We talked on the phone daily and wrote often. One letter I got from him had a paper in it that had been folded and folded, on the outside he wrote "The word of the day is...." inside of the folded paper he covered the sheet with the word "cunt." Such a vulgar word and he was able to use it and make me laugh, oh how I missed him. Was I waiting for him? In a way I was, but once he was put away, I got really depressed and my friends would ask what was wrong and would try to cheer me up by taking me out or trying to hook me up with guys they knew. I tried to stay true to Danny, so when I would go out with my friends and they would ask what I thought of this guy or that, I would brush them off and say I wasn't interested.
Jay found out that Danny was in jail and his additude changed with me. I talked to Danny about it and he suggested that I stay away from Jay now that he couldn't protect me if anything went wrong. Jay was harmless or so I thought. One night after drinking way to much at the club, I was in the ladies room, leaning over the sink, getting sick, when Jay came in. I knew it was late, but didn't realize that the club had closed and that Jay had sent all the staff including my friends home. I didn't know I was alone with him. He leaned over me, whispering in my ear that he wanted to make love to me. All those times I had told Danny that we didn't fuck, we made love, now came rushing back to me. Such words coming out of Jays mouth were disgusting. I continued to vomit as I screamed at him to get out. He didn't leave, but he drove me home once he was done with me.
For some messed up reason I continued to see Jay and let him have his way with me after that. I guess I felt in some ways I deserved what I got. Then I got sick of being used by him and I picked up the pieces of myself and walked away.
I had become cold and hard in many ways. I missed Danny, but felt I had betrayed him and didn't know what it would be like when he got out.
I stopped going to the club downtown and started to hang out with some new friends at a new club, when I met Calvin. He was a hot black man, with a sweet smile and an even sweeter ass. I wanted him, but was still dealing with my messed up emotions of my shit with Jay and still struggling to be loyal to a man I could not touch.
Calvin ran in the same circle as my new new friends and we all ended up at a house party together one night. I was pretty sure he was a player and I wasn't sure what I had to offer anyways, so I tried to steer clear of him, to the point that I was a cold bitch to him, but his sweet smile and our mutal desire lead us straight to the bedroom. He was amazing. My mind reeled, but I tried not to over think it. He wasn't a player at all, he liked me, treated me well and talked about wanting a relationship, I had been open with him from the being about Danny, who was going to be getting out soon, but he didn't give up easily, so when I would avoid the relationship talks he was content to see me at the club or parties. We enjoyed each other's company, until one night after Danny had gotten out. Calvin decided to go to my friends house to see if I was hanging out with her. I wasn't there yet, but Danny was. So when she answered the door and Calvin asked for me, Danny went to the door and asked who the fuck Calvin was to me. Though Calvin had never met Danny, he put it together and tried to cover for me, but it was too late, Danny was smart enough to figure it out.
I ended up leaving town, moving to a ski resort for a season to get away from it all. Calvin never hated me, which always surprised me, considering the situation I put him in. What a horrible web I had woven. It wasn't all bad and despite how messed up I was back then each person in a different way impacted who I have become. I at times I find myself thinking of Calvin, Danny and Jay. Thoughts of Calvin make me smile, thoughts of Danny make me wonder, and thoughts of Jay still confuse me.
I look at the world differently because of all three of those men. My vocabulary and my thoughts on certain words have changed as well. I seldom use the words "make love" and often choose instead to use the word "fuck" and the word "cunt" now isn't quiet as vulgar in my ears anymore.
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